


this is harder than we know (can I borrow your forgiveness)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Series: The Untold Story of Wonkru [16]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anger, Bellamy Blake is a History & Mythology Nerd, Bellamy Has Feelings, Blake sibling feels, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Forgiveness, Gen, Grief, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Letters, M/M, POV Bellamy Blake, POV Octavia Blake, Post-Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya, Post-Episode: s05e13 Damocles Part 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, Six Years of Ring Life, for several characters in several times, minor smut, spacekru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-11-14 14:23:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18054176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Letters to him helped Octavia tell her story. Now letters to her will help Bellamy tell his.Seeking a new method to rebuild bridges with his sister, Bellamy writes Octavia letters of his six years on the Ring - his grief, their challenges and how he found new meaning and purpose in his life after losing the two people dearest to him.Facing challenges with both her own inner demons and those plaguing her bunker family, it takes some time before Octavia is ready to read them, but after she does, the road to forgiving her brother becomes more clear.(Also known as "The Untold Story of Spacekru", but still a vital part of The Untold Story of Wonkru 'verse.)





	1. forsan miseros meliora sequentur

**Author's Note:**

> Real talk: I've been working on this story for months. I know where it's going. I know how to get there. But Bellamy is just so difficult for me. I'm hoping that by starting to post it, y'all can give me the motivation I need to finish it before S6 starts, since I want this whole 'verse wrapped up by then (and there are four stories set after this that I already finished writing in November, so they've been sitting around for awhile, waiting for this one).
> 
> I needed a way to try and explain Bellamy's cold-heartedness in season 5, how the boy with the big heart was suddenly gone, and this is that story.
> 
> Just like its companion piece [there's a letter sealed and unopened for you (we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15794610) (Octavia's letters to Bellamy), the title is from two Fleurie songs - "Hurricane" ([YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZcf3oXfz5k)|[Lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fleurie/hurricane.html)) and "Chasing All the Stars" ([YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IhUPzA_LuI)|[Lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fleurie/chasingallthestars.html)), both of which I think speak well to Bellamy and Octavia's tumultuous relationship.
> 
> The first chapter of this story takes place concurrently with [here we are bruised and battle scarred (we've cut up our lives trying to put down the knife)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16886367).
> 
> Chapter titles are quotes from Virgil's _Aeneid_. English translations of the Latin are in end notes.

Echo had given Bellamy the idea. As they’d said their goodbyes as she boarded the transport, she’d whispered in his ear - _“You know her story now, but she doesn’t know ours”_ \- and then with a soft kiss she was gone.

He had nothing but time, now. It had been a week since the transport went down to Second Earth. Six days since they’d made contact with the people - for there were people on the planet, descendants of _Eligius III._ While he’d been worried, it seemed that the people were peaceful, and as long as their crew could prove their commitment to peace, they would be welcomed into the society.

Echo and the others were a trial run - if they successfully integrated into the society, the people would allow the others to come down. They hadn’t given a timeframe on how long this trial period would last, but Echo and Clarke made radio contact twice a day, assuring Bellamy and Madi that all was well.

Echo hadn’t used their distress codeword, so he took the assurances at face value.

Wonkru - well, the four awake on the ship, being Octavia, Niylah, Jackson and Miller - had sequestered themselves since the transport had left. One of them - usually Niylah or Jackson - would emerge at mealtimes to bring food and water back for the others, but remained strictly business and wouldn’t give further details about the others. Octavia had cut off contact, and Bellamy hadn’t even seen Miller yet, and could assume he wasn’t ready to.

And thus Bellamy had spent three days in his room, with a pad of paper and a pen, writing about the six years he’d spent in space with Echo, Monty, Harper, Emori, Murphy and Raven.

Now he stood in front of the door to Wonkru’s suite, hands shaking, as he held his bundle of letters. Gripping them tightly in one, he raised the other hand and knocked.

After a minute, Niylah opened the door. She looked him up and down, registered the bundle in his hands, and stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind herself.

“You wrote her letters too?”

“Not while I was in space. I wrote them now. Needed Echo and Raven to help me with some of the timing and dates, but this is our story. I - I know she might not be ready to see me yet, to talk more, but - I think she deserves to know our story too, since I know hers.”

“This isn’t some plea for mercy and forgiveness? She might not be ready for that yet.”

“It isn’t. And I know. It is just the facts. Our life in space. Please, if you could give them to her, I’d really appreciate it. Reading her letters helped me understand the person she became. Reading mine I hope will give her the same understanding about me. And then when we both know - I hope we can talk.”

Niylah held out a hand, and Bellamy pressed the bundle of letters into it. “Thank you.” He said.

“I can’t make her read them. But I’ll give them to her. It is up to her whether she reads them or not.”

Bellamy nodded. “I know. But I hope she does.”

“I hope so too.”

They stood around awkwardly for a few moments. Bellamy wasn’t sure what else to say, but Niylah wasn’t making a move to leave yet, as if she was waiting for something, and so he dared to ask about how his sister was doing.

“How is she?”

“Healing. Some days are easier than others.”

“Does she - I mean, is she -” Bellamy swallowed hard. “Does she have nightmares?”

“Sometimes. Both waking and sleeping. But we’re there for her when she does. It’ll take time, Bellamy. This isn’t something that is over in a few weeks. Some of it will probably torment her for the rest of her life.”

“I’m sorry.” Bellamy whispered. “I’m sorry for the nightmares I created.”

Niylah smiled sadly. “If only it were that simple.”

Bellamy sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Can you tell her that I love her? Please? No qualifiers. No conditions. I just love her.”

Niylah nodded. “I will.”

This time Niylah did leave, and as Bellamy watched the door close behind her, he hoped that this method of reaching out to his sister would tell her that he was committed to building that new relationship with her.

* * *

Niylah held the bundle of letters carefully in her hand as she returned to the bedroom, sitting down next to Octavia, who was curled up on the bed clutching a pillow, tears streaking her cheeks.

“What’s wrong, _ai niron?_ ” Niylah whispered, brushing Octavia’s hair back from her face.

“That was Bellamy, wasn’t it? At the door?”

“It was.”

“I’m not ready to face him yet. Just the past few days - I can’t. I can’t do it.”

“I know. It’s okay. He left. But he wanted me to give you these.” She held out the letters.

“He wrote me letters?” Octavia asked curiously, sitting up and taking them in hand.

“He did. He wrote them now, not while he was in space, but they are the story of his life there. That’s what he said.”

“Did he say anything else?”

“He asked how you were doing. And told me to tell you that he loves you.”

Octavia nodded, clutching the letters in both hands. “I… I know he says that. And I even think he believes it. But I - I can’t accept that yet. I know I wanted him to say it before I went to sleep, but after everything - him knowing - I don’t know if I can believe it.”

“It’ll take time, _ai niron._ ” Niylah rested her head on Octavia’s shoulder. “Love, forgiveness… it all takes time.”

“What if I can’t ever forgive him, Niylah?” Octavia wept, shoulders starting to shake. “Anytime I feel like I want to, that I’m ready to - I just remember what it felt like to not be able to breathe, and have Bellamy standing right there not doing anything but stifling my screams when I tried to call for help.”

Niylah wrapped her arms around Octavia and kissed her shoulder. “Don’t stress yourself about that. If you’re ready, you’ll know. There won’t be any questions about it. It’s okay if you’re not ready. There is no timeline for this sort of thing. It could take a long time. And that’s all right. You only need to say it when you are sure.”

“What if not being able to say it means he’ll leave me?”

“I don’t think he will. He’ll keep loving you even if you can’t say it. If he’s not forgiven, that is his burden to bear, and I think he knows that.”

“He must know by now that I did forgive Echo. He’ll be expecting that I forgive him too.”

“Echo is mostly a stranger to you. It is harder to forgive betrayals by those close to us. I’m sure he knows that. Just because you forgave her doesn’t mean he’ll expect the same in the same time.”

“It did take me a hundred and thirty one years to forgive Echo, so…”

“Well, let’s hope we’re not asleep for a century again.” Niylah chuckled and pressed a kiss to Octavia’s lips as she began to smile.

“Thank you.” Octavia said, pulling Niylah close for a hug and another kiss. “Thank you, for being here.”

“You know I always will be, _ai niron.”_

“Will you stay and read them with me?”

“Sure. Did you want to start now?”

Octavia rubbed at the itchy bandages on her wrist absentmindedly, wincing when the fabric rubbed against the wounds beneath. “I don’t know. I want to understand Bellamy, but… it just seems like they could’ve gone through so many of the same things as we did, yet somehow they came out the other side alive and all happy and well-adjusted and sanctimonious? What did we do wrong?”

“Firstly, they had seven people. We had twelve hundred. That is a big difference. The more people you add to an equation, the harder it becomes.”

“I feel like I should believe that, but… what if it is just me? What if I just always make the wrong decisions? What if Kane was right, and that there is a darkness inside of me, that no matter what I do, I’m doomed to embrace violence and death?”

“You don’t have a darkness in you, _Okteivia._ You have passion. A passion I think Kane’s never understood, because he’s never had the same. You don’t follow meticulous rules and plans like he did. You let your heart guide you. Now, that doesn’t mean passion can’t be dangerous and violent and even vengeful, it certainly can be, and you’ve run the gauntlet of all of those expressions of it. But it is all born of the deep passion and love that you carry with you. You’re not petty or spiteful. You’re the truest soul I’ve ever known, and I love all of you.”

“Even the parts that made you do horrible things?”

“Even those parts. Because we lived. We survived it, and you kept your promise to return us to a better life.”

“We spent a hundred and twenty five years asleep on a spaceship to arrive on a new planet which we can’t even go down to yet. We should have had that valley. I failed.”

“That was not your fault, you know that. Even so, here we have peace, and when we are able to go down to the new planet, we will have peace there as well.”

“And plenty of people judging me for the choices I’ve made.”

“We can disappear off to a corner of that society where we don’t know anyone.”

“Surely they’ll have still heard the stories.”

“Maybe so. But I don’t believe they’ll judge you. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Those who are most committed to peace are those who know the harshest effects of war. I don’t think we know everything yet about that society there, but I do think they may have had extreme war in their past, and they’ve now put that aside.”

“Like Luna and her clan. Before they all died and Skaikru experimented on Luna.”

“Exactly.”

“When I first met her, Luna told me fighting and death were all I knew, and that she took people in who were done fighting and killing. And that Lincoln would have never brought fighting and death to her. I was angry at the time, I thought she was a coward, but - but I understand now. I understand why she wanted to stay away from all of that. It’s taken me hundreds of deaths to get it, but - but I do.” Octavia sighed. “I want to be finished with it too, but when I tried - it just came back again and again. There is no escaping it.”

“Maybe now there is. Maybe now you can have a different path ahead of you.”

“But what else is there for me? Luna was right. Fighting is all I know. I don’t know what I am without it.”

“We’ll figure that out when the time comes. For now, the only decision you have to make is if you want to read Bellamy’s letters now or later.”

“I… I think a bit later? I want to check in on Miller, and then I just want to sleep for awhile.”

“Sure. Let’s do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _forsan miseros meliora sequentur_ \- better times may come to those in pain


	2. quisque suos patimur manis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been weeks and Octavia still hasn't been able to bring herself to talk to Bellamy or even read his letters. Niylah and Miller intervene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my Blakes. I just want them to be happy again. They at least make progress here, though proper reconciliation is still some time away.

It wasn’t until over two weeks later that Octavia and Niylah finally got to the letters. Miller’s flashbacks, Niylah’s insomnia and Jackson’s nightmares kept them busy, and as it hit Octavia at just how much all of her friends - her _family_ \- had also suffered in the bunker, she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly guilty for being the cause of most of it. No matter how often each of them told her they didn’t blame her, that she’d done the best she could in impossible circumstances, she still couldn’t shake the guilt that was eating away at her.

And then to have to face Bellamy - for while Jackson and Niylah were tending to Miller, she was the only one who could be spared to go for meals - each time made Octavia’s heart break just a little bit more. She couldn’t erase the memory of the first time she appeared at a mealtime, when Bellamy’s eyes lit up and he stepped forward to greet her, but she still had to hold out an arm to keep him back, keep him at bay. She couldn’t meet his eyes after that, remembering how heartbroken he looked. Every other time she went for food, she didn’t even look up, just directed a quick sad shake of her head in his direction.

Miller ventured out of the suite and wasn’t hit by flashbacks as often. Niylah could sleep again. Jackson’s nightmares grew less frequent. But the memory of Bellamy’s heartbroken look kept eating away at Octavia, until one night when Miller and Niylah found her curled up in a corner of the living room, sobbing.

“What is it, _ai Okteivia?_ ” Niylah asked, pulling Octavia’s hands into hers so she’d stop scratching at the bandages on her wrists that were already stained with fresh blood. Niylah ran her thumbs over Octavia’s knuckles in a soothing motion, feeling the other girl relax incrementally into her touch.

“It’s too late, isn’t it?”

“Too late for what?”

“I haven’t even been able to _look_ at Bellamy the past few weeks. He can tell I haven’t read his letters yet. He’s going to give up on me, he won’t think I’m worth it anymore, he -”

“Shhhhh.” Niylah whispered as Miller helped her get Octavia off of the cold floor and onto the couch. “Don’t say that. Bellamy is not going to give up on you. He isn’t. Trust me.”

Niylah wrapped her arms around Octavia and rocked her slowly, exchanging a look with Miller. Miller’s eyes flickered to the suite door and back, and Niylah nodded. Miller nodded back, squeezing Octavia’s shoulder briefly and then disappearing out the door.

If Octavia wouldn’t believe them, it would need to come from Bellamy himself.

Niylah knew it was an important step for Miller, too, to be the one to go find Bellamy. If he simply wanted to leave them in private, he would have returned to the room he shared with Jackson rather than going out into the ship. But Bellamy had his own bridges to mend with Miller, and so while Niylah didn’t doubt that Miller would return to the suite with Bellamy in tow, she also knew it could potentially take awhile, depending on how much the two men wanted to sort out between them, and so she held her queen, her saviour, her love. As long as it would take.

* * *

Bellamy was reading in his room, trying to keep himself busy, trying to avoid interfering in Wonkru’s business, though he knew they were struggling. It wasn’t a huge ship. More than once he’d been awakened by the sounds of screams - some he wasn’t sure if they were Miller or Jackson or both of them, but the ones that he recognized as his sister’s were the most heartbreaking, because he knew that if he wasn’t invited, he had no right to be there. He’d also heard the muffled conversations as Niylah and Miller prowled the ship at all hours, searching for a distraction from sleepless nights.

He’d seen his sister show up at a mealtime, and at first he’d been excited, hopeful that this meant she was ready to talk to him, but it quickly became apparent that she was only there because in that moment the others were struggling more. It also didn’t escape his notice that sometimes there were fresh bandages on her arms and wrists, her demons still gnawing at her when her guards were down. She wouldn’t even look at him after that first meal, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

He started when he heard a sharp knock on his door.

Bellamy put his book down, slowly moving to the door of the room. He pulled it open, and was surprised to see Miller standing there.

“Miller?” Bellamy asked cautiously. “What is it?”

“She needs you.”

“Is she - I mean, did she - what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but we’ve been having a hard time the past few weeks. All of us, not just her. Which means she hasn’t read your letters, and she feels so damn guilty about it that she thinks you’re going to give up on her. Are you?”

“No, Miller, I - I’m not going to give up on her. She’s my sister and I love her. I know, _I know,_ I screwed that up big time after we opened the bunker. I know that. If I could take it all back I would. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry that I hurt her, and that my actions hurt all of you too. But I’m not going to abandon her again. I’m here for her when she’s ready to have me in her life again.”

“Please come and tell her that. She needs to hear it from you. I can’t promise anything more than that right now, and the two of us, we’re not cool yet either, but please come. For her.”

Bellamy nodded, following Miller out the door and across the ship to Wonkru’s suite. Miller opened the door and motioned for Bellamy to go in first. Niylah looked up at him over Octavia’s head as he entered, registering his presence.

_“Okteivia.”_ Niylah whispered into Octavia’s hair, her sobs having subsided to a slow but steady weeping. _“Okteivia, ai niron,_ I need you to look up for me, okay? Someone’s here to see you.”

Octavia sat up slowly, turning to register her brother with a cautious look, wiping tears off of her face with the back of her hand. Bellamy came around and sat down on the floor in front of the couch, in front of his sister.

“It’s okay, O.” Bellamy said softly. “It’s okay if you haven’t read them yet. I - I know all of you are struggling right now. And I know that you love your family so much that you’ll do everything you can to help them, even if you’re struggling too. It’s okay. I get that. My letters, they’re not going anywhere. Neither am I. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here. Whether or not you even read them at all, I’ll be here. Because I’m not giving up on you again. I love you, O. I mean it. I promise.”

“How can I trust that?” Octavia whispered, still not making eye contact with Bellamy.

Bellamy worried his lips together for a moment before responding. “I know it could take a long time before you trust me again. I know. I understand. But -” Bellamy took a deep breath. “But I also know that if you shut me out completely, I can’t do anything to start proving that to you. I’ve given you your space. All of you, I’ve given you space. And I’ll keep doing that, if that’s what you truly want, but - but I don’t think we’re moving forwards by doing that. I know you’re struggling with the past. I’ve had plenty of time to think on my past and my actions too. I’m not asking you to stop helping each other, not at all, but - but to escape from the past it is necessary to do new things too.”

Bellamy looked to Niylah, who had a pensive look on her face. Octavia looked to her as well.

_“Naila?”_ Octavia asked.

“Your brother isn’t wrong.” Niylah said slowly. “Perhaps we have been isolating ourselves a bit too much. Now, part of that has had its reasons, yes, we don’t need to share our pains and struggles with everyone. And I haven’t wanted to dwell on the future too much either, since that comes with its own stresses. But you are right, Bellamy, isolating ourselves won’t create the new lives we hope to build. Part of healing is learning new things and building a new future different from the past.”

“So what are you saying?” Miller asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “We need to get out more? We’re in a spaceship with seven awake people.”

“I’m saying it would be helpful, perhaps, now that we’re getting information from the ground about life there, thanks to Echo and Clarke, that you start thinking about what that life could look like for you.” Bellamy said. “I can tell you all about it, I talk with them twice a day. I can tell you that you won’t have to break up your family. You won’t need to do anything like you’ve had to do in the past to survive. It sounds pretty damn nice there, actually. But you will be expected to find a place in that society.”

“Will they recognize that some of us are still healing from the past? That not everyone will be able to jump right in to whatever they expect of us?” Niylah asked sharply.

“Yes. They even have all sorts of fancy terms for that healing, and people who are experienced in helping people who have gone through trauma. It sounds like a good place. I think they’ll be able to help you all work through everything. Especially you, O. I - I know some things might never go away, and I’m deeply sorry for any part I’ve played in those, but - I just - I really think they’ll be able to help.” Bellamy reached out a hand to Octavia, as he had when they’d been sitting on the floor of the cryo chamber. “Please, O. Please don’t shut me out. Please let me start proving that I’m here for you.”

Octavia looked at his outstretched hand, still not meeting his gaze. Bellamy watched another tear make its way down her cheek.

“Will you still love me even if I can never forgive you?” Octavia whispered.

Bellamy’s heart clenched painfully. “Yes, O. I’ll still love you. I won’t stop loving you. You’re my sister. I did something unforgivable to you. If you can’t forgive me, that’s my fault, not yours. But I will still love you. That’s not even a question.”

More tears made their ways down Octavia’s cheeks, and Bellamy retracted his hand, worried that he’d somehow said the wrong thing, until Octavia slipped down to the floor next to him and threw her arms around his neck, squeezing him tight. Relief flooded through him and he wrapped his arms around her, holding his sister close as tears started to stream down his cheeks as well.

“I love you, O.” Bellamy whispered into her hair. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, big brother.” Octavia said between sobs. “I do. I - just the rest will take awhile.”

“Take as long as you need. I’ll be here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _quisque suos patimur manis_ \- each of us bears his own hell


	3. non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia and Madi have a conversation. Octavia checks in with her friends to see how they're feeling, and then takes Niylah to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how about that S6 trailer? I'm shattered :( Why are they giving Octavia more pain? Why can't she finally have some peace in which to heal? I've been writing a lot of meta, so if you want to go check out all of my ranting about S6 and my ever increasing hatred of Bellamy, wander over to [my Tumblr](http://osleyakomwonkru.tumblr.com).
> 
> But we soldier on here nonetheless. Here Bellamy isn't the asshole he's become in canon. Here Bellamy learned his sister's story and was immediately regretful for his actions. I wonder if he ever finds out the truth about life in the bunker in canon. He better, but now I don't know if it will make any difference :(
> 
> I miss the Bellamy I once loved. I want him to come back, but I don't know if he will.
> 
> **Note:** Minor Octavia/Niylah smut about three-quarters of the way in. 
> 
> Trigedasleng:
> 
> seda - teacher  
> ai niron - my love  
> ai Naila - my Niylah  
> ai Okteivia - my Octavia

That night, Madi and Jordan were surprised to find all four members of Wonkru joining them and Bellamy for their evening meal of algae. They didn’t speak much, but Madi noticed that things seemed to be easier between Octavia and Bellamy, and she was glad for it.

Before they returned to their suite, Octavia pulled Madi aside.

“What do you think of Bellamy’s talk of the new planet? Have you heard Echo and Clarke’s reports?”

“Some of them.” Madi said. “I… it sounds like a nice place, but I’m also not sure what my place in it is going to be.”

“You and me both, kid.”

“I’m just worried that when everyone else wakes up, integrating into that new society is going to be hard. It is very different from what we’re used to, and even if most people on this ship see me as a Commander, I don’t think that new society would accept that, especially if they’re peaceful and being Commander is a job of war. Plus if everyone’s a Nightblood now, I - I’m not special anymore. Anyone could have the Flame.”

“Madi…” Octavia wasn’t quite sure what to say, but stumbled along anyhow. “You’ll always be special. Maybe you won’t be Commander anymore. Welcome to the club.” Octavia smiled wryly. “But when everyone starts waking up, people will still be looking to you to… I’m not sure what the word is. Not tell them what to do, exactly, but they’ll be watching your responses and attitudes towards this new society, and will follow your lead. If you wanted to start a war, you’d have an army at your disposal. But I don’t think you want a war.”

“I don’t. I want peace.”

Octavia nodded. “So do I, kid. So do I. I’m not very good at it, but - but I’m tired of fighting. And if there’s a shot at real peace, I’m in.”

“Will you help me?”

“Excuse me?”

“You made me your second. Me becoming Commander doesn’t change that. I’ve got the other Commanders in my head, but - but I’d rather still have you as a mentor.”

Octavia laughed a dry laugh. “You want _me_ as a mentor? Do you know how screwed up I am?”

“Yes.” Madi said simply. “I know what happened in the bunker. Some of the worst parts, at any rate. I know it can’t have been easy. I know it still isn’t easy. But if you can go through that, everything you went through, and come back out the other side like you’re doing - you’re a survivor. You’re so strong, I don’t think you even realize it. Maybe you don’t even feel it. But you are. And seeing the way your mentors turned their backs on you when you needed them the most - I know you wouldn’t ever do that to me.”

Octavia thought of Indra, of Kane, of Abby. In the past weeks, any time she’d thought of them, the thought would be accompanied by a cold fury, an anger that she’d try to drown out in any way she could. She resisted the urge now to scratch at the bandages on her wrists, instead letting that fury abate into a softer feeling of disappointment - not in herself, but in them. Indra for her part in her brother’s betrayal. Kane for his sanctimonious pageantry without real solutions. Abby for not accepting responsibility for her part in the Dark Year.

“You’re right.” Octavia whispered. “I wouldn’t. I won’t. All right, Heda Madi kom Wonkru, kom Louwoda Kliron kru, whichever you prefer - you’ve got yourself a mentor.”

“Just Madi is good, _seda_.” Madi held out her arm, and she and Octavia shook on it.

“Thank you.” Octavia said seriously, looking Madi in the eye. “Thank you. I mean it.”

Madi nodded, not sure what else to say as the Commanders in her head whispered away. But nothing more seemed appropriate. So she merely squeezed Octavia’s hand, and went on her way.

Octavia returned to the suite feeling lighter than she had in weeks - both the reassurances from Bellamy and Madi’s insistence on her value as a mentor certainly helped her mood.

Niylah, Jackson and Miller were all seated in the living area when she walked in the door, and they all turned to her with hopeful glances.

“Today sounds like it is going better for you.” Jackson said carefully. “Dinner went well. And I heard that you and Bellamy had - I guess you could say a breakthrough earlier? I’m sorry I missed it.”

Octavia sat down next to Jackson, rubbing a hand along his shoulder, taking in his tired eyes. The nightmares had been taking a toll on him the past few days, the moments he’d slept while Octavia and Bellamy had been talking some of the only peaceful sleep he’d had.

“Don’t be. You needed that rest. How are you feeling?”

“You don’t need to deflect, Octavia. We’re happy for you, it’s okay.”

“I’m not deflecting. Yes, today was… better for me. But this is a team effort. You worry about me, you be happy for me, and I do the same for you. I’ve had my time today, both highs and lows, now I want to check in with all of you. Jackson, I mean it. How are you?”

“That sleep this afternoon was good. You’re right, I did need it. I only hope I’ll be able to sleep peacefully tonight as well.”

“If you can’t, you know we still have eight hundred and forty three of Scheherazade’s tales to get through.”

Jackson smiled and nodded, squeezing Octavia’s hand where it still rested on his shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Miller?” Octavia asked further.

“No flashbacks today. I even had a conversation with Bellamy without punching him in the face. He and I aren’t good yet, not by a long shot, but it was a start at least.”

“You’re going to have to tell me what went down between you two.” Octavia said. “I don’t know the details of it.”

“I don’t think those details would be helpful to anyone at this point.” Miller said. “I confronted him, before he went into the fighting pit. I was furious about what he’d done to you. I knew the state you were in, and I tried to get him to understand that, but he just wouldn’t. And the nerve of him, when right before he poisoned you he says ‘so much for the 100’… I wanted to punch him just for that. If anyone betrayed the 100, it was him.”

“Yeah.” Octavia said, voice hollow. “But right now he’s trying. He is. And I hope that things can be right between us eventually.”

“It’ll just take time. I know.” Miller said, reaching past Jackson to squeeze Octavia’s hand. “I know, it seems so odd that I’m still furious with him when you’ve let him back into your heart at least somewhat, even though his crimes were against you, not me, but I just can’t help it.”

“You have a right to your anger.” Octavia said. “He may have hurt me, but he betrayed you too. He betrayed all of us. And he didn’t listen to you when you stepped into the role that was usually his. My big brother.” She smiled at him. “Thank you, for standing up for me. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for that.”

“You know I always will.”

Octavia pressed kisses to both Jackson and Miller’s cheeks, and then sat down next to Niylah, entwining their hands. “And you, _ai niron?”_

“Had a nap after lunch. And I’m starting to feel sleepy again. I’ve been able to sleep the past few days when there’s been the time for it.”

“I’m sorry.” Jackson whispered, knowing that his nightmares had taken a toll on them all.

“Hey.” Niylah said sternly, pulling a hand from Octavia’s grasp to reach over to Jackson and squeeze his hand. “Don’t be. We help each other. We’re family. Don’t feel sorry for needing us, because we all need each other.”

Octavia and Miller both nodded in agreement, and Octavia rested her head on Niylah’s shoulder, her free hand going to play with a strand of Niylah’s hair.

“I think in the morning I’ll be ready to start reading Bellamy’s letters.” Octavia said. “Assuming - I mean, that is if I… if I don’t have dreams of what happened with him.”

“Do you want to wait until morning, or do you want to start tonight, if you’re feeling good right now?” Niylah asked. “I can stay up with you if you want to read them now.”

“No, no. You need your sleep.” Octavia raised her head to press a kiss to Niylah’s temple. “I’m not going to disrupt that, not even for Bellamy. The morning should be fine.” Octavia dropped her voice to a whisper in Niylah’s ear. “Let me take you to bed now.”

Niylah smiled as they exchanged a look. Octavia looked over at Jackson and Miller, and they just waved their hands.

“Go.” Miller said fondly. “Have your fun. We’ll try not to need you for the next few hours.”

“Thank you.” Octavia called over her shoulder as Niylah pulled her to the bedroom, door slamming shut behind them.

* * *

Their clothes hit the floor before they made it all the way to the bed, tumbling onto it already wrapped up in each other.

“You are feeling better.” Niylah murmured as Octavia kissed her way down Niylah’s chest, sucking a nipple into her mouth. “Haven’t seen you this hungry in months.”

Octavia chuckled, releasing the nipple and blowing some cool air onto it, making Niylah squirm. “Today I’ve been able to release a number of worries and cares. Means there is more space for more fun activities.”

Niylah pulled Octavia in for a hard bruising kiss, not releasing her until they were both breathless. “Don’t keep me waiting then.”

Octavia smiled, kissing a path between Niylah’s breasts, and down to her belly button, swirling her tongue around it a few times as a promise of what was to come. Niylah shivered under her touch, brushing Octavia’s hair back from her face, holding it loosely at the back of her neck so that it wouldn’t distract her as she moved closer to her destination.

Niylah gasped at the first light touch of Octavia’s tongue to her clit, the first swipe of her tongue over her entrance. She felt Octavia slip a finger into her gently, working her tongue over her clit more firmly.

“How does that feel?” Octavia whispered. “Does that feel good?”

“Yes.” Niylah breathed. “Don’t stop, please, _ai niron.”_

Octavia kept moving her finger, but let her mouth wander, dotting kisses all over Niylah’s thighs, stomach and of course where she wanted it most between her legs. Niylah almost moaned in frustration each time Octavia moved away from her clit, but she appreciated that Octavia was focused on her there in the moment, happy, not letting her worries consume her. If she could keep Octavia happy and busy like this forever, she’d let herself get teased until the end of time.

Her peak approached, and she held Octavia close to her as she rolled over it, whispering words of love and devotion as she came back to herself and Octavia moved up to be encapsulated in her arms.

“I love you, _ai Okteivia.”_ Niylah whispered, pulling Octavia in for another kiss, tasting herself on her tongue.

“I love you too, _ai Naila.”_ Octavia said, snuggling into her shoulder. “Thank you for always being here for me. Through the good and the bad.”

“Thank you too. For also being here. I know the weight you carry, and you could just focus on that and no one would blame you for not being able to be here for the rest of us, but you won’t do that. You won’t ignore us.”

“You’re my family.” Octavia said, eyes fluttering shut. “I can’t ignore my family when they’re in pain. Especially when I was the cause of so much of it.”

“You know we don’t blame you.” Niylah said, running her hand soothingly through Octavia’s hair.

“I know. But it is still my fault. I wish it wasn’t, but - heavy is the head that wears the crown.”

“I just hope we can make it feel lighter.”

“You do. And not having to wear it anymore helps too. It is in the past, and I know it can stay there. I know I won’t have to make choices and decisions like that again. And that’s a relief, honestly.”

“I’m glad.”

“I promised to help Madi. She’s not sure where she’s going to belong in this new society either.”

“Being just a child again in a society where everyone will now be a Nightblood will be an adjustment for her, that’s true.”

“Yeah, it will. And since I named her my second, she wants me to help guide her. I’m not sure what use I’ll be, but she insisted. Because she knows everything I’ve been through, and she knows I’d never use her or abandon her the way that Indra, Kane and Abby did to me.”

“I know you wouldn’t do that either. You keep your promises.”

“I’m glad I can try to help her, but besides that, I’m not sure what use I’ll be in this new society. If I’m done fighting it isn’t as if I have any other useful skills.”

“You have a wealth of knowledge. You’ve read more books than anyone else I know. And since most of them were from the old world, you’ll be well equipped to understand a lot of the cultural references that the people there will have.”

“You read the library just like I did.”

“Sure, but it didn’t have everything. And you spent most of your childhood reading, books and stories and histories I couldn’t even imagine. I learned about the old world. You in many ways lived it.”

“I suppose I did. But even so, just knowing information isn’t a useful skill. It’s just trivia.”

“You could be a teacher. I’m sure they’ll need one, especially as this influx of new people will surely create a new generation.”

“Maybe. Not yet though. I - I don’t think I’m ready to educate young minds yet. I still have a lot of healing to do myself.”

“That’s fair. Then in the meantime we can start you on something simple. Like picking flowers.”

“Do they even have flowers on this new planet?”

“I’m sure they do. And if they don’t, I’ll grow some.”

“You’ll grow some? How?”

“For you, I’ll always find a way.” Niylah kissed Octavia’s nose and Octavia giggled, opening her eyes again. Niylah hummed in contentment. “I love hearing you laugh. I’ve heard it precious few times in the past years.”

“I’ll try to do it more.” Octavia promised. “As things get better, as _we_ get better - I’ll try to laugh more. That’s a promise.”

“Good.”

“Can we sleep now?”

“You don’t want me to -?”

“No. I just want to hold you and sleep in your arms.”

“Well then. Wish granted. Good night, _ai niron.”_ Niylah gave Octavia one last kiss before they drifted off to a peaceful night of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco_ \- no stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy


End file.
